They say admitting you have a problem is the first step to overcoming an addiction, and yes, I think I am addicted. All the signs are there - panic, intense cravings, strong urges and revolving constant thoughts on my mind all the time.
No, I haven't been playing online poker, or pouring Baileys on to my cornflakes, I've been on Auto Trader online.
That's right. The odd thing being I'm not actually buying or selling a car - well not in real life anyway - only in my head. Firstly, I set myself a budget and stick to it as though the money is sat in a big pile in front of me. I'm not allowed to spend a penny more. Next come's the scenario. Am I a family man, single man, rich man, poor man, 'not bovered' man, retired man, chav man, need a weekend-load-lugger-for-the-tip-and-dog-man, or something-special-for-the-weekend-man?
Hovering over the 'MAKE/MODEL' boxes pulls you in to a truly bewildering world of choice and dream possibilities. There really are no limits here.
Loading up a Mercedes-Benz SL 350 V6 my 'MAXIMIUM PRICE' box of £40,000 ('single man') gives me quite a motor for cruising and, of course, pulling. But I may look a bit 'retired man' so I'll skip over to AUDI and pick out a nice silver A6 3.2-litre V6 Avant with all the toys - hmm, still a bit 'family man' I think.
So maybe something with a bit of sporty character is what I can reach 'MAKE' 'BMW', 'MODEL': 'M3' Ahh, now we're talking. Of course I'd have to go for the convertible with the SMG gearbox for (single man needs every toy to impress, even if the manual coupe is the true drivers' choice) and in something loud - like bright red. I can get a nearly new one at this price with a barely run-in 6,000 miles. Perhaps there's too many of these around to make an impression. Off to the place every single man should start: Porsche. True Boxsters are far from rare but they seem to work for everyone else, and I'm guaranteed a good steer. But somehow I feel I may have not done the job properly with the Boxster, maybe its big brother is what I'm after - yes the formidable 911.
With new 911 prices starting around £65k I should be able to pick up something very respectable - here goes. I scroll down the list to 'PORSCHE' with the scroll-bar skill precision I've sharpened over the last few weeks (ok, months) Hmm, I can either go for an entry level 2003 model, 911 'S' with 20K miles, but by choosing a leggier car I can upgrade to a 911 Turbo - the Ferrari eating animal that is said to be the fastest A to B car in the world. Yes I think single man may have got the cream.
But the fun never ends there - I switch mode and become 'poor man' and 'give' myself just £600. Hmm, no 911s then. Still, a big luxo-barge like the Vauxhall Omega 2.5i V6 in 'striking' white with every toy might fill the void, but there's no escaping the mr plod connection.
The lure of something classy and truly bulletproof brings me to the over-engineered Mercedes TE class - a 160k mile 300TE estate with the rare seven seat option, sunroof, air-con, full grey leather and plenty of electrics covers all bases - even 'family man' would be happy.
As the hours drift by worryingly fast I find myself randomly searching models just to see what's possible with my 'monopoly' money, what I can squeeze out of my imaginary funds.
You could say I'm like a boy in a sweet shop with £20 I found in the street. Some days I can barely contain my excitement or enthusiasm just to switch my computer on, click the internet logo and get back to my fantasy garage. I've tried the magazine version but it's the equivalent of alcohol free beer - just doesn't provide the same kick.
Passers-by who peer over my shoulder keep asking if I've finally decided to sell my car. "No" I reply, "just keeping an eye out for a bargain." At times I wonder if there are others like me, fighting the urges of seeing that little blue internet logo and what four-wheeled dreams it holds. Sometimes I do feel alone, but it still feels good. After all, its almost free, breaks no laws and leaves no evidence - like vodka breath - maybe it's time to join Autotraders Anonymous.
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