Way off topic...

Ok, so this has absolutely nothing to do with the internal combustion engine, but I thought somebody may be interested.

After a second attempt at growing tomatoes, which ended in disaster, I have finally found success with other vegetables! Planted in March theses carrots, onions and parsnips do look rather pathetic, but went into a lovely cottage pie and tasted fantastic.

Are you rat, or forced rat?

A new craze is sweeping the car modifying world. Well, I say is, maybe that should read has, because I seem to have completely missed it.

According to a lot of well known motoring websites this craze involves going against everything we've ever been told about looking after your car.

After a bit of frantic internet searching I came across some forums and websites which reveal the true horror of this automotive fashion.

The 'forced-rat' look involves stripping off paint, lowering, defacing and adding various 'enhancements'. These can include old roof racks, tacky seat covers, stickers - the kind of junk you might find down at your local tip.

The 'rat' or 'natural/genuine rat-look' is slightly different, and seems to be about preserving the weathered and deterioated look of old classics, but with enough solid parts to scrape through that all-important MOT.

Now I've always been one to prise open the wax and spend the day turning each panel of my car into a mirror, but this would be going against everything I've ever done.


Just imagine buying a new car and stripping off that fresh layer of beautiful paint for the specific aim of attracting rust, kicking in the door to achieve the just-crashed look, or replacing your indicator stalk with a beer pump handle.


Nowadays you have to look pretty hard to spot rust on most cars, but purposefully encouraging it? That's just plain wrong.

Maybe this is what we should have expected, the result of years of preening and cleaning, the final rebellion against the showroom finish most of us strive for.

I do have mixed opinions and actually fall in favour of the 'genuine rat-look'. The old VW Beetles and Mercs do carry a lot of character and do look cool in a bizarre and arty sort of way.

Most of these creations seem to be old classic VWs and vans, which probably don't need a great deal of encouragement where oxidations comes in.

So, will I be cracking open the paint stripper and praying on some rain? Er, no. I'll leave it to the rat-pack and watch on... in disbelief.

Top ten dream garage

Time for something I should have done a long time ago.

It's the subject most blokes have discussed at least once and, for me at least, it continues to change over the years as new metal (and carbon fibre) appears on the scene. Yes, here is my ultimate top ten dream garage:



In no particular order:



1. BMW E30 M3. Iconic, muscular lines, wonderful chassis and one of the most feel-some steering racks of any car. When BMW released the first M3 in 1987 little did they know what a breed of imitators would follow.



Even today the baby BMW can hold a light to modern machinery in the corners. Sure the power output looks puny nowadays but with such a light body it still knows how to entertain. It may have only been left-hand drive but it could still grace my garage any day.


2. Bugatti Veyron: Who wouldn't have one of these in their garage? Surely the must have for any discerning petrol-head. The Mclaren F1 may have held the mantle as the world's fastest car for over ten years, but the Veyron's performance figures are a serious step beyond. Epic urge, a poised sculpted body carrying an awesome W16 engine with a quite unbelievable 1000bhp. Most of us would be lucky to even spot one yet alone own one. Yes please.



3. Lamborghini Murcielago LP640: Ok, so Audi may have the company under its belt but that doesn't take any of the Italian madness away. Stunning looks, sensational performance and a visual presence like few other supercars. Makes the baby Gallardo look rather tame.



4. BMW M635i: Yes, you may notice a BMW theme here but I think it's fully justified. Those famous shark-nose looks get better with every passing year and there's not many modern BMWs that have as much character as this classic, most noticeably the new 6-series. Shame on you BMW.



5. AC Cobra. A million replicas can do the original little justice. This animal of a car is about as raw as driving gets. In its day it was crazy, today it can still kill you. A beast that will never be tamed. Respect is essential.



6. Nissan GT-R: To you and me that's the new Skyline. The motoring press have not a single bad word to say about this incredible technical achievement. It may be overweight, have an automatic gearbox and lack badge pedigree but I SO want one.



7. Ferrari 250 GTO: Chris Evans may be the new owner of one of the most expensive cars in the world, but for me that hasn't taken any of the appeal away. I'm sure it would be the most beautiful car in my garage, except for...



8. Jaguar E-type. Captures an era I would love to have been part of. Its beauty can only be described as breathtaking. The ultimate example of automotive elegance.



9. Audi R8 V12: A soon-to-be defining moment for Audi - the first V12 diesel supercar to match and exceed performance of rivals such as Lamborghini and Ferrari, in torque at least. Doesn't look too shabby either.


10. De Lorean DMC-12: To me and you the car that appeared in the Back to the Future films. Yes, I know the car is a well known dog, but I want the version that stared in the movies - who wouldn't? Gull wing doors, a flux-capacitor, Lotus looks and the ability to travel back in time... well, I did say this was my dream garage.

Wednesday, March 5

Well, with my road manners pretty much tamed I can now concentrate on trying to actually enjoy my driving.

Yes, in this draconian world of speed cameras and increasing congestion it can be a challenge to find the fun side of motoring.

But we all know that fuel isn't going to get any cheaper so maybe, just maybe, we'll look back in a few years and say it was cheap?



I am deeply concerned at the thought of higher petrol prices. With some reports claiming fuel could reach a rather stupid £1.50 a litre by the end of the year now is the time to enjoy our cars as much as legally possible, after all, the days of driving without a care for fuel economy are certainly numbered.

So instead of watching the fuel gauge drop I'll be watching my revs rise. Before we're all financially forced out of our cars I'm going to take advantage of the freedom that a bus or train will never offer me.

True, driving is a privilege and not a right but in my search for thrills nobody's forcing me to speed or risk my safety.

Instead of a bottomless money pit my car will be my access to freedom and a pleasure in the bends.

I'll wash it with pride, service it as if it had blood running through its veins and occasionally take that spirited b-road blast with the windows down just to blow the cobwebs away. Yes, even if it does empty my fuel tank.

So whatever you drive and whatever your daily grind is have a think about how much you would miss your key to freedom - and then start to appreciate it. After all what on earth would you replace it with?

Thursday, January 3

Happy New Year motorists

As we all see another New Year in I guess it's time to bring out the New Year's resolutions. You know those hopes and beliefs that we make at the start of each year and are soon forgotten by the end of January.

I'm going to do something a bit different this year and take a look at the way I drive:



Firstly I've decided to curb my 'road rage'. No, I don't carry a baseball bat in my boot, but I'm only human and there are times when I beep my horn or let out a few special 'bleeps'. However, I'm determined to keep my calm this year, as I've realised I'll never change the way other motorists drive so I'll just try to improve my road manners instead.

Now when it comes to putting petrol in my car I've always been a skin-flint - cheapy supermarket fuel and a very light foot where possible. But I'm sure I can creep up the fuel economy just by setting off earlier and concentrating on my gear changes a bit more. I could say I'm trying to save the planet, but I'll admit that I'm very selfish and just want to save my own money.

With all this wintry weather and dark skies at 4pm I have to admit I don't have much inspiration to fight the elements and wash the car, but it's good exercise, fresh air and I refuse to spend the best part of £5 paying someone else to massage grit into the bodywork.

As my girlfriend keeps telling me, loudly, I do drive rather close to other drivers' bumpers, and I refuse to become one of those drivers that you look in your rear-view mirror at and mutter 'get off my back'. Even if other drivers swerve into the large gap in front of me my no-claims bonus should remain intact.

I often wonder how can such a simple thing become so ignored? Letting other drivers know where you are going is vital and I admit that I could use my indicators more so I'll 'tick-tock' more often when leaving roundabouts and when cutting people up... I'm mean pulling in.

We all know today's cars are heavier than ever before so I'm determined to strip out the unnecessary rubbish - you know all the stuff you carry round that you never use which make the car slower, less fuel efficient, and look a real mess. Although my Radiohead albums and chewing gum will be staying.

After a recent visit to the Czech Republic I was surprised to find that their law requires headlamps to be on whenever you drive - day or night. At first I thought it was a waste of energy but from the start of this year my lights will always be on, and everyone will notice me - mainly because nobody else seems to bother.

Slowing down outside schools is an obvious rule, but from 2008 I've decided to keep it under 15mph - despite the annoyance of other road users I refuse to take a life just to be punctual.

So I may not be burning up a sweat at the gym every day but I honestly think I've set myself some realistic goals which will benefit my pocket and take me through to next year - I'll let you know how I get on.

Wednesday, November 14

With most motorists being conned and taxed out of every penny they earn each day I thought it was time for a positive car story to hit my blog.

Car giant Nissan is rumoured to be working with scientists on a special kind of paint that changes colour at the touch of a button. This only works when the car is turned on so when the car is stationary the paint is white.

You must be dying to know how this technology works - I know I was. Apparently a special polymer coating is applied to the bodywork before the car is painted.



This contains paramagnetic particles which have the ability to reflect light and change colour when an electric current is passed through it. It starts working when the electricity adjusts the small crystals within the iron oxide particles.

There's no limit to what colour you can choose and the paint changes within a second.

It all sounds very space age, and very expensive, but I have to admit I can barely contain my excitement. Just think of the possibilities?

Fancy robbing a bank? Great, just pull up outside in your 'blue' getaway car, now which way did that 'blue' car go?

Want to sell your car? "What colour is the car, sir?", "Any colour you want, madam."

In a bad mood or have the urge for a stealthy look? Black it is then. Want to be seen and heard? White is all-white with me.

I expect boy racers' jaws will be dropping at the thought. Wizzing down the Barbican with they're finger stabbing away at the button as Hard House Nation 4 booms out the cabin.

Of course if your car starts to look dirty you could just match up the mud and no-one we will be able to tell - as long as you like soil brown.

Better still road rage could be dictated by your choice of paint colour - cut me up and I'm all red! Feeling kind enough to let someone out a junction? Green it is.

And the old problem of trying to shift a white car off the forecourt is no longer there, salesmen across the country just put the car on 'demo' mode and watch the car switch through the hues with the customer shouting 'that one'.

Unfortunately there is a flip side to all this automotive colour orgy. You can bet our car-hating government will make it law for cars to have white paint at night for visibility reasons. And what if you scrape the paint at the supermarket - yes, that could be expensive.

And just imagine the peer pressure when your mates turn up in their new camealeon cars while your faded, oxidized flat paint makes you look as cool as someone without a mobile phone.

I'm sure motorists will go blind or insane as traffic jams become a real-time kaleidoscope of colour - drivers will have permanent head aches.

Still, I've read it won't arrive until 2010, which gives me time to save up. Now if only they would invent a disappearing number plate...

Thursday, July 26

Not sure about you but I love changing gear. Whether I'm stuck in crawling traffic (most of the time then) or swapping cogs on a country lane, to me it's all part of driving pleasure.

I love the control and precision I can perfect with each movement. Easing out the clutch and slotting in the cogs with a smoothness that means passengers can barely tell I've changed gear.

It's a choice we take for granted and can often find a chore but when it works it feels fantastic - stirring the engine until it begs for mercy then swiftly exchanging metal teeth only to wind it back up again can send a shiver down my spine.



But as the government continues to strip away more and more of our driving freedom (just don't get me started on that) surely the ever-persecuted motorist would try to hang on to every last piece of mechanical pleasure that we have?

It seems not. The death-knell of the manual gearbox is nigh, and that makes me sad. As technology continues to impress us with life saving traction control systems, handbrake buttons and intelligent airbags we are losing the fight to hold on to the one the most original car devices known.

Many people in the car industry are convinced that manual gearboxes have had their time and that, in the future at least, light-weight, technology-smart automatic boxes will rule.

So why do people 'opt' for automatics? Are they lazy? Have they forgotten how to change gear? Did they ever learn how to? Or maybe it's convenience? Perhaps they were bombarded by the salesman's baffling talk of cutting-edge technology? Yes, I can see how a 'self shifter' may suit certain situations, the older generation may find it a benefit, but as twenty-something who's mad about cars I can't think of anything worse.

Knowing where to start is a tough one - but I reckon I can put up a good fight against these unnecessary contraptions. So here goes:

Firstly, from an environmental point of view, automatics don't yet have enough advantages to make them a sensible choice - cars with automatics always pollute the air more with higher Co2 emissions, and also weigh more than a manual gearbox, which harms fuel economy further.

As manual boxes are mostly standard on cars you'll have to shell out for an auto, and I dread to think of the costs involved if one decided not to shift. Performance also suffers as the torque converter saps the power. And why is it that people that end up driving into the neighbour's swimming pool or dining room always blame a car's auto box?

Convinced yet? Well I haven't finished - I haven't even started on all the confusing collections of semi-auto's and sequential boxes out there, BMW's jerky SMG, Citroen's awful 'sensodrive' and all the other silly flappy-paddle versions on the market.

I truly have to question the point of this all 'forward thinking' technology. You might think you look (and feel) like Lewis Hamilton when blipping through the paddles of your semi-automatic F1 style, but I guarantee the novelty will soon wear off.

Have you ever tried to reverse into a tight space with no clutch? Or attempted a hill start with a handbrake button and a paddle? If the paddles are attached to the steering wheel you'll struggle to change gear when turning as you wrap your arms in a knot, and when attached to the steering column you can't even change gear when cornering. Still feeling like a race champ? Oh, and don't forget you're probably at least £1,000 poorer over a manual driver.

Even those auto-loving Americans have decided they're not always a good idea. The BMW M5 comes only with a flappy-paddle box but the Americans insisted they were given the choice of a manual stick - and they got it! Good for them. In a country where autos rule it shows that real drivers can still spot the overpriced gimmicks. Unfortunately Britain won't be given the same option.

You might say I'm not moving with technology and being too much of a traditionalist but why try to reinvent something that works so well. It's been with us for decades, is enjoyable and completes your connection with the heart of your car - the engine. What next, cars that steer themselves? (thanks Volvo). Cars that brake themselves? (thanks Mercedes).

I strongly believe that if you're a true motoring fan then you'd always go for a manual. Even when 'dreaming' of cars on Autotrader I always select the transmission option to 'MANUAL' only.

Even some of my favourite cars, which include the new BMW X5 (auto only) a Smart roadster (great car but automated-manual only) and sadly most Mercs, I can honestly say that I will never buy just because of they don't allow true driver-involvement.

True one day I might not have a choice in the matter and we'll all be driven round in our steering wheel-less, hydrogen-powered, emission-free autuomatic milk-floats, but for now you can stick it.

Do you prefer a manual or automatic gearbox? Vote here

Friday, June 1

They say admitting you have a problem is the first step to overcoming an addiction, and yes, I think I am addicted. All the signs are there - panic, intense cravings, strong urges and revolving constant thoughts on my mind all the time.

No, I haven't been playing online poker, or pouring Baileys on to my cornflakes, I've been on Auto Trader online.

That's right. The odd thing being I'm not actually buying or selling a car - well not in real life anyway - only in my head. Firstly, I set myself a budget and stick to it as though the money is sat in a big pile in front of me. I'm not allowed to spend a penny more. Next come's the scenario. Am I a family man, single man, rich man, poor man, 'not bovered' man, retired man, chav man, need a weekend-load-lugger-for-the-tip-and-dog-man, or something-special-for-the-weekend-man?



Hovering over the 'MAKE/MODEL' boxes pulls you in to a truly bewildering world of choice and dream possibilities. There really are no limits here.

Loading up a Mercedes-Benz SL 350 V6 my 'MAXIMIUM PRICE' box of £40,000 ('single man') gives me quite a motor for cruising and, of course, pulling. But I may look a bit 'retired man' so I'll skip over to AUDI and pick out a nice silver A6 3.2-litre V6 Avant with all the toys - hmm, still a bit 'family man' I think.

So maybe something with a bit of sporty character is what I can reach 'MAKE' 'BMW', 'MODEL': 'M3' Ahh, now we're talking. Of course I'd have to go for the convertible with the SMG gearbox for (single man needs every toy to impress, even if the manual coupe is the true drivers' choice) and in something loud - like bright red. I can get a nearly new one at this price with a barely run-in 6,000 miles. Perhaps there's too many of these around to make an impression. Off to the place every single man should start: Porsche. True Boxsters are far from rare but they seem to work for everyone else, and I'm guaranteed a good steer. But somehow I feel I may have not done the job properly with the Boxster, maybe its big brother is what I'm after - yes the formidable 911.

With new 911 prices starting around £65k I should be able to pick up something very respectable - here goes. I scroll down the list to 'PORSCHE' with the scroll-bar skill precision I've sharpened over the last few weeks (ok, months) Hmm, I can either go for an entry level 2003 model, 911 'S' with 20K miles, but by choosing a leggier car I can upgrade to a 911 Turbo - the Ferrari eating animal that is said to be the fastest A to B car in the world. Yes I think single man may have got the cream.

But the fun never ends there - I switch mode and become 'poor man' and 'give' myself just £600. Hmm, no 911s then. Still, a big luxo-barge like the Vauxhall Omega 2.5i V6 in 'striking' white with every toy might fill the void, but there's no escaping the mr plod connection.

The lure of something classy and truly bulletproof brings me to the over-engineered Mercedes TE class - a 160k mile 300TE estate with the rare seven seat option, sunroof, air-con, full grey leather and plenty of electrics covers all bases - even 'family man' would be happy.

As the hours drift by worryingly fast I find myself randomly searching models just to see what's possible with my 'monopoly' money, what I can squeeze out of my imaginary funds.

You could say I'm like a boy in a sweet shop with £20 I found in the street. Some days I can barely contain my excitement or enthusiasm just to switch my computer on, click the internet logo and get back to my fantasy garage. I've tried the magazine version but it's the equivalent of alcohol free beer - just doesn't provide the same kick.

Passers-by who peer over my shoulder keep asking if I've finally decided to sell my car. "No" I reply, "just keeping an eye out for a bargain." At times I wonder if there are others like me, fighting the urges of seeing that little blue internet logo and what four-wheeled dreams it holds. Sometimes I do feel alone, but it still feels good. After all, its almost free, breaks no laws and leaves no evidence - like vodka breath - maybe it's time to join Autotraders Anonymous.

March 24, 2007

If you were to grade your last Sunday on a fun factor scale of one to ten, what would it have scored? Six, seven, maybe an eight?

Well mine was a full on level-busting 11!

I have to admit, it does take something special to pull me out of a warm bed on a cold Sunday morning, and hanging around a Tavistock car park braving snow showers and biting wind might not have dragged you away from your cosy duvet - but I don't regret it one bit.



As some of you may already know, I am a relatively new member of the Plymouth Motor Club. And since joining last year I guarantee you I have never had so much honest fun on four (and sometimes three) wheels.

So my Sunday was spent alongside my good friend, and long standing club member, Wayne Grimshaw competing in the thrilling motorsport known as autotesting. Yes, I know it might not sound quite as glamorous as formula one or super bikes, but it's something everyone should try at least once.

If you've not experienced it before, autotesting involves manouvering a car around a set course marked out by cones or tyres against the clock. This is done using forward and reverse gears and mainly involves use of the handbrake. Time penalties are added to your test if a cone or marker is touched, or if you navigate incorrectly around the cones.

Once you've memorised each course the real fun begins. Autotesting requires skill, sharp concentration and 100 percent attention, but the rewards are huge.

Shaving a few tenths of a second off your last test time definitely makes you feel like Marcus Gronholm, and beating a skilled club member puts an even bigger grin on your face - although from personal experience don't expect that to happen too often!

And before you get any ideas that it's all £10,000 performance cars up on ramps and a team of racing engineers tinkering around underneath - stop. This really can be motorsport on a budget. As reported in my previous articles, the car I get to compete in cost Wayne the grand sum of £175. Hardly Formula One stuff.

I have to admit, at first you may find the feeling rather bizarre. Getting in to a car normally involves adhering to a strict set of rules, but rules for autotesting are completely bonkers. Don't drive slow, drive fast. Don't brake gently, yank on the handbrake? I'm sure you're starting to build a mental picture of what fun I had.

For me, autotesting provides the perfect relief for my frustration with today's driving-by-numbers roads and ever increasing laws. When was the last time you hand-braked a car round traffic cones in a haze of smoke?

But what I find really impressive about the Plymouth Motor Club is the people involved. It takes a lot of organization just to keep the club moving forward, let alone booking an entire car park for a day's autotesting. Despite all manner of setbacks and problems that can occur, the club always pulls together to make it all happen.

It's this sort of passion for motorsport that enables events such as last Sunday to be so well run and successful. The club has been going strong for almost 100 years now and continues to provide some great motorsport ranging from autotesting, hill climbs, sprints, treasure hunts and scatters. There's also a great social side to the club too.

If you want to read and see more on my adventures with the club, and to find out how I got on last Sunday, log on to www.thisisplymouth.co.uk next week where I'll be giving a full rundown of last Sunday's event, backed up with pictures, exciting video action of autotesting and an interview with the club's Wayne Grimshaw himself. And for more information on Plymouth Motor Club, and how to get involved with local motorsport, go to www.plymouthmotorclub.co.uk.

March 3, 2007

We've all seen them - and heard them approaching with those exhausts - and we tut, our eyes roll back in our heads, and we snigger as we see fast approaching us in our rear view mirror a misguided teenager displaying their 'artistic talent'. And we all think, "what have they done this time?"

You may have guessed I'm talking about modified motors.

But I don't mean your common Vauxhall Corsa or Ford Fiesta make-over.

I'm talking about cars with original £30-40,000 price tags.

Real old-school luxury performance cars like the E36 BMW M3, Mercedes Benz 16V Cosworth, Lexuses (or should that be Lexi, Alan?), Alfa Romeo GTVs and even Porsche Boxsters - models that (previously) held a little prestige and exclusivity.

But oh how they're falling from grace. These are cars that should be left to age like wine, gracefully, without interference.

But all that is changing - and it happens to all the great ones eventually. What started out as an exclusive, new, respected and out of reach car to everyone but the well healed and those who have generous company bosses, trickles down the depreciation ladder, and ends up as a butchered, bastardised and mostly ruined victim.

Example: An E36 BMW M3 of 1994 would have set back the informed enthusiast the thick end of £33k - without options.

Today, that same car, with a good 120k miles, scratched and dented body work and little service history, can be found for a measly £3-4k. Crikey!

Perfect, thinks the over enthusiastic boy-racer - why bother buying and 'moding' that image-less, scruffy old 1.0-litre Vauxhall Corsa, when there's a 286bhp rear wheel drive performance icon as their new canvass?

And that's where the trouble begins.

This once perfect piece of automotive engineering now falls into the completely wrong hands. Running costs don't even enter their tiny minds as they'll get 'their mate' to look it over once a year, perhaps. Chavs; please remember, a car that cost £40k to buy means £40k running costs - sorry chaps. Do you think that Kelly Holmes washed down a Dr Pepper before a run? These are cars which cannot afford, and were never designed to be neglected or ran on budget juice and 'that'll do' parts. First to go are the wheels - expensive 17-inch originals are E-bayed for ugly, ride-destroying 20-inch monsters, or 'spinners', wearing Ukrainian re-mould tyres. Next to go are the exterior light clusters, on go those oh-so-common, tacky, cheap looking 'Lexus lights'. Next up, the sound system stickers and road-vision reducing windscreen visors. Then, the offensive, badly fitted, ugly and poorly sprayed body kit. Out comes the perfectly respectable original stereo and speakers, to be replaced by a hideously expensive head unit (usually worth more than the car itself) displaying brash dolphin-jumping graphics and an ear bleeding 'bass box'. Then, picnic table sized rear spoilers, blue neon lights (probably to deter flies) wheel arch scrapping lowered suspension, noisy baked-bean tin exhaust pipes, flame effect bonnet stickers... I'm afraid the list is never ending. And the end result? A crude mishmash of a once respectable machine that we just can't help feeling very sorry for - they just look ridiculous. Of course, their 'motas' or 'rides' proudly displayed in soft porn magazines such as Max Power and Revs' only reinforces their blind belief that what they have created should be celebrated and shared with the nation - or maybe it's the thought of semi-naked women with orange skin called 'Jodie' being draped across their 'bad-boy' bonnets, usually in a supermarket car park. Unfortunately, nobody's bothered telling them that spending £10-15k on 'wicked mods' is a futile exercise, and they'll never get back that money come resale time... well would you buy one?